This is a month-long series to support persons grieving and those who love them. It includes content from “Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook” available through Amazon and wherever books are sold.
What was your first experience of grief? Perhaps it was a pet that died, while for many it was a grandparent or other relative.
Consider for a moment how the grown-ups around you responded to that grief. Were they stoic and subdued in their response, did they quietly keep a “stiff upper lip” or otherwise keep hidden the details of the situation from you and others? Were they open and expressive, verbally and emotionally, with one another and with you?
Whatever the situation, think about the messages you received about grief and how it should be handled. Which of those messages have been helpful to and healthy for you and which ones have proven harmful?
The early messages we receive about grief can set our blueprint and, in times of stress, we go home to momma. This can lead us to act on auto-pilot according to those early blueprints, unless we spend time intentionally choosing a different way.
If we learned shame and secrecy or stoicism around grief, the chances are we will lean that direction in later years. If we learned openness and compassion and patience, we can be better prepared to practice these traits with ourselves and others.
I still catch myself trying to use logic to overrule the emotions of grief and even a titch of shame to keep them under control. Thankfully, I catch myself, and push myself to overcome those understandable defenses in order to do things in a gentler and more caring way.
I do this not just for my own sake, but also for others. The ways I use to block or numb or push away my own grief are very likely the ways I’ll respond to the grief others express. In the end, I can’t be more patient with and loving toward others’ pain than I can my own.
The goal of this series is to help all of us, together, bring grief out of the shadows and learn to be present with it without fear, without judgment, without shame, and with a great deal more room for true healing.
I hope you’ll join me on the journey.
Peace,
Carla
Rev. Carla Cheatham, MA, MDiv, PhD, TRT has served hospices as a chaplain and bereavement coordinator. She’s the Section Leader for the Spiritual Caregivers Section of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization and an adjunct professor at the Seminary of the Southwest. Through her Carla Cheatham Consulting Group, Carla provides training and consulting for professional caregivers nationwide. She is the author of Hospice Whispers: Stories of Life and its companion volume, Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook. Her next book, On Showing Up with Suffering: Others’ and Our Own, is set to publish in 2017.
It has just been 3 year since losing my only child, Jim. He passed away from injuries from a truck accident at his work. I know as the days go on my heart is so tender. I just can’t articulate the ache in my heart as I watch my grandsons grow up without a dad at such a young age. This has been so hard.
Caroline, I can only imagine how hard it is grieving Jim’s death AND grieving for your grandchildren’s loss of their father. I hope that the words I share in these posts, and others of my writings, may be of some support as you continue to live and walk with and carry this pain. Blessings to you, your family, and your tender heart.
Peace,
Carla