Archive for Grief Workbook – Page 4

Finding Safe Space: Day 4 of #31DaysWithGrief

Posted by Carla Cheatham on

January 4, 2017

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Thirty One Days of Walking with Grief: Others’ and Our Own

Day 4–Finding Safe Space

This is a month-long series to support persons grieving and those who love them. It includes content from “Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook” available through Amazon and wherever books are sold.

In the last post, I encouraged you to find safe spaces to be vulnerable and share your grief. I get it that this can be easier said than done.

When we’re exhausted from the mental and emotional strain of mourning, which also drains our bodies and brains of energy stores, having the bandwidth to go on such a search seems impossible.

Whatever type of grief we are walking with—death, illness, the end of a relationship, or another type of loss—we often find that support is readily available in the beginning. Folks show up, offer condolences and shoulders and hugs, bring practical support and leave Facebook messages. Colleagues and neighbors and long-time friends may come to the funeral en masse.

But after the initial stages following a loss, life returns to normal—for them. They get to go home and back to their lives. They get to go back to their desk and resume work with a full head of brain cells unencumbered by the sub-routine of overwhelming grief that consumes the entire cache…I probably just made my techy friends cringe by botching that metaphor, but you get the idea!

After the last casserole dish has been washed and returned, now what? Friends and even loved ones can’t carry the griefs of all the people around them about whom they care. Their well of compassion can only last for so long before they, who aren’t living with the constant reminder of something having been ripped from them, move on while we are still drowning in sorrow.

Some may have more ability to walk with our pain than others. Even then, it is important to not drain any one individual source of support, since this is a marathon and not a sprint. Some may turn to a therapist for support, others a faith leader, many will turn to a spouse or other loved one or best friend.

Years ago, when facing a potentially fatal medical crisis, I waited 3 days to tell anyone. I wasn’t ready to answer questions for which I yet had no answers and I also needed time to process it on my own. When I finally called a trusted mentor, poured out in a tearful rush what was happening, and asked what I should do, she who had been through her own cancer journey said quietly, “Find safe spaces to cry.”

It was the single most important piece of wisdom I received during that several-month journey of fear and uncertainty. And so, I did. I contacted those friends whose boundaries I trusted and asked them to honestly tell me if they had space to let me call up when needed and come sit beside them with my head on their shoulder while they patted my head and let me cry.

Some did, some didn’t, and all were honored I asked. Those I did call upon and went to sit with respected my request to not try to fix me or talk me out of my feelings, to not try to chit chat, and to say nothing more than, “It’s going to be ok”, because at that time it’s what I needed to hear.

It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I wrote about this process and even more ideas about finding and sharing our grief with others in the introduction to Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook. It’s designed for persons to either walk through on their own or with a group.

Group work is powerful as we get the opportunity to not just be helped, but also help others merely by our presence, listening, and offering of camaraderie. While scary for some and seemingly weak to others, I would argue that any defenses persons have against group are merely that, defenses against vulnerability. Granted, groups may not be for everyone, but if anyone scoffs at the idea, or if you find yourself doing so, consider this:

The psychologist, Herbert Adler, wrote of the power of listening as analogous to hemodialysis, such that the pain of the speaker flows through the “compassionate equanimity” of the listening and comes back to the speaker dialyzed of a bit of the pain.

More than whiney people who need to get over it, grief groups offer safe space to speak and feel without being judged, without being given unsolicited advice, and without anyone trying to talk you out of your feelings or in any way try to alter your process.

Whatever you choose to do for your own journey of walking with grief, here are some suggestions of things to consider when choosing persons to ask to walk with you. They’re take from page 13 of the Sharing Our Stories workbook, ((c)2017 SCIE Publishing) and I hope you find them helpful.

“Look for persons who can:

Protect your confidence
Sit comfortably with you without needing words
Feel comfortable providing a hand or a hug of comfort if needed/desired
Listen only without giving feedback, opinions, advice, or trying to fix how you feel
Be a place to safely bounce off thoughts and ideas without fear of judgment
Listen and give feedback IF you do ask for that feedback
Let this be about you and what you need, without inserting their own story unless requested
Pray or meditate with or for you, if requested
Other things I’ve missed ______________________”

One last option I’ll offer for sharing your story and finding support in hearing others is to share your personal or professional story of walking with grief on my HospiceWhispers website Forum, designed specifically for such sharing. You may share your story anonymously or you may share your name, whichever feels right. (Please remember, if sharing a professional story, to change the names and identifying details to protect privacy rights.)

Whatever is right and works for you, I encourage you to just find something. Hopefully, these tools and suggestions will be a starting point, even if they aren’t an exact fit. You deserve nothing less than love and support and safety to be exactly where you are.

May you have peace as your journey unfolds. I’m glad you’re on mine.

Carla

Rev. Carla Cheatham, MA, MDiv, PhD, TRT has served hospices as a chaplain and bereavement coordinator. She’s the Section Leader for the Spiritual Caregivers Section of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization and an adjunct professor at the Seminary of the Southwest. Through her Carla Cheatham Consulting Group, Carla provides training and consulting for professional caregivers nationwide. She is the author of Hospice Whispers: Stories of Life and its companion volume, Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook. Her next book, On Showing Up with Suffering: Others’ and Our Own, is set to publish in 2017.

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Sharing the Journey: Day 3 of #31DaysWithGrief

Posted by Carla Cheatham on

January 3, 2017

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31 Days of Walking with Grief: Others’ and Our Own

Day 3—Sharing the Journey

Vulnerability is not my strong-suit. Given what I do and have done for a living as a therapist, pastor, chaplain, and grief counselor, reciprocal relationships aren’t a natural part of my day. My job is to be there for others, not have others be there for me. Sharing my journey of pain with others in my personal life has not always come easily.

What can be easy is to hide behind our roles and use them to avoid making ourselves vulnerable to others, which we fear places us at risk of being let down, judged, misunderstood, or perceived as weak. That may be true, if we’ve not yet learned how to choose persons whom it is truly safe to trust. I’ll write more about finding such safe spaces in the next post.

We may even be concerned that once we do let ourselves lean on another, we’ll fall apart and not be able to pull ourselves back together. That’s rarely the case; it’s just territory we’ve not explored before, so it’s scarier in the beginning to speak up and step out, especially when we already feel raw and exposed with only minimal resources guarding our frazzled emotions.

But we cannot give what we do not have. Teaching what we do not practice is only manageable for so long. Besides, folks can smell a fraud a mile away, and we don’t want to fall into the trap of “do as I say, not as I do” or of believing the rules don’t apply to us; that we’re somehow above them and others.

We also must consider what messages we’re teaching our children about grief. Are we modeling for them that it’s healthy to ask for help, or sending them the message that the stiff-upper lip, I mentioned in Day 1 of this series, is the way to grieve?

For many, sharing their story helps them integrate and even re-story their experience as they find meaning and come to terms with it all. Others find that being able to support others in a group, just by listening, lets them feel still useful, and even gives some tiny bit of meaning to their own pain—that it can be used to help others feel less alone.

One of the most consistent struggles I hear from those grieving is the isolation of it all. We have joined a club to which no one wants to belong, and few are willing to visit. Walking with grief can feel lonely, but we don’t have to be alone.

What’s holding you back from accessing the support you deserve?

Hospices, faith communities, and grief counseling centers regularly offer grief support groups or have lists of places in the community that are offering them. On-line forums and private Facebook groups can be a safe space to first dip one’s toe into the water. Blogs written by those who’ve faced similar grief and loss (death of a child, death of a loved one by suicide, death of a spouse, etc.) can also be found to let us know we are not crazy and we are not alone.

I hesitate to offer a list of resources because what works for one person may not work for another, and groups and resources can change all the time. But I’ve started a list of books, articles, blogs, and websites I’ve come to trust, which you can access through my hospice whispers website.

I’ll be adding to that page with even more resources over time and I welcome your suggestions.

Whatever works for you, I encourage you to find something, some place to get support, some place to share your pain, somewhere that you won’t have to be alone with your grief. Do it for yourself. Do it for those whose stories also need to be shared. Do it to honor the memory of the one who did not want to leave you alone. But please, do it.

I’m glad you’re with me on the journey, and I hope you’ll continue to share it.

Peace,

Carla

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Why “Walking” with Grief? (Day 2 of #31DaysWithGrief)

Posted by Carla Cheatham on

January 2, 2017

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We face a huge temptation to see grief as something we can work through and get over, but it usually isn’t that easy. When I face anything challenging and get impatient to be done with it, my mentor will remind me, “It’s a process, not an event”.

To get myself through hard times, I’ll often remind myself of what a former pastor used to tell me when I was in grad school, “Remember, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train.”

When I find myself wanting to take shortcuts through any emotional struggle, I get to slow myself down with the words, “There is no shortcut. The only way out is through.”

But each of these imply there’s an endpoint. With grief, that’s not necessarily the case; it’s the new story with which we get to live. The fact of the loss, and all the change that comes with it, doesn’t go away.

In the early pages of Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook, I wrote the following about this concept:

We often speak in terms of a grief journey, as if there is a hypothetical endpoint we can reach. Even theoretical models intended to help us understand and explain what happens through grief use words such as ‘tasks’ or ‘stages’ or the ‘process’ of grief, as if there’s something we are required to complete or overcome in order to be happy again…

I may use these words, as well, because language is, at times, limited. It is not my intention to imply that there is a destination to get to, an end in sight, or that this workbook will help you get there and be done with grief. I can’t in good faith promise you that.

As my friend, Janie Cook, writes:

“The journey is our story. There is no destination, no resting place to reach, no final answer. There is simply the journey we take and the story we live with our feet, with our heart. We may stop along the way to rest—not because we have arrived, but to take this part in a little more deeply. We may pause to listen or savor a threshold, but the journey is our story, The Story. Each obstacle we overcome, each companion treasured, each grief suffered is a sacred moment along the way.”

Grief doesn’t necessarily end for everyone. In fact, many would argue that it never ends, it just shifts and changes over time and gets a bit easier to live with as we gradually find ways to integrate such a major change into our lives. We find ways to honor the life we miss; hold onto the good memories; make peace with the not-so-good ones; build a new relationship with the person who is no longer physically there; and find ways to continue living our lives.

Often, because our relationships help define us—as grandchild, child, sibling, spouse, parent, friend—we must go through the process of re-imagining our own identity when that person is gone. While all of this is a process, it is far from formulaic. There are no linear, prescribed formulas for what grief should look like.”

So, I write in terms of walking with grief because sometimes that’s our only option. I also want to acknowledge that, at times, the grief we walk with isn’t our own; we walk with another as they live with theirs.

All of it can be scary and overwhelming. Even if we have gone through it before, each circumstance and individual experience is unique and we wonder if we’re doing it right; we wonder what to do, what to say, how to be.

My hope is that this series will lend a little insight to let you know that you are not crazy, you are not alone, and that you will find your way.

I’m glad you’re with me on the journey.

Peace,

Carla

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31 Days of Walking with Grief: Others’ and Our Own (Day 1)

Posted by Carla Cheatham on

January 1, 2017

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What was your first experience of grief? Perhaps it was a pet that died, while for many it was a grandparent or other relative.

Consider for a moment how the grown-ups around you responded to that grief. Were they stoic and subdued in their response, did they quietly keep a “stiff upper lip” or otherwise keep hidden the details of the situation from you and others? Were they open and expressive, verbally and emotionally, with one another and with you?

Whatever the situation, think about the messages you received about grief and how it should be handled. Which of those messages have been helpful to and healthy for you and which ones have proven harmful?

The early messages we receive about grief can set our blueprint and, in times of stress, we go home to momma. This can lead us to act on auto-pilot according to those early blueprints, unless we spend time intentionally choosing a different way.

If we learned shame and secrecy or stoicism around grief, the chances are we will lean that direction in later years. If we learned openness and compassion and patience, we can be better prepared to practice these traits with ourselves and others.

I still catch myself trying to use logic to overrule the emotions of grief and even a titch of shame to keep them under control. Thankfully, I catch myself, and push myself to overcome those understandable defenses in order to do things in a gentler and more caring way.

I do this not just for my own sake, but also for others. The ways I use to block or numb or push away my own grief are very likely the ways I’ll respond to the grief others express. In the end, I can’t be more patient with and loving toward others’ pain than I can my own.

The goal of this series is to help all of us, together, bring grief out of the shadows and learn to be present with it without fear, without judgment, without shame, and with a great deal more room for true healing.

I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

Peace,

Carla

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Sharing Our Stories

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November 21, 2016

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I originally thought persons who had experienced their own grief would avoid the book Hospice Whispers: Stories of Life like the plague. Thankfully, I was wrong!

I received communication from an overwhelming number of persons describing the various ways in which these 38 short stories of my work as a hospice chaplain had helped them process their own grief story.

As a result of this outpouring of feedback, I wrote Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook with reflection and discussion questions based upon the grief concepts that arise in each story fromHospice Whispers: Stories of Life, additional information about grief, and quotes by and for those who are grieving.

The workbook has just published through Amazon as a paperback and eBook, and I’m excited for it to launch out into the world to hopefully help many who are grieving and the professionals who seek to support them.

Below is an excerpt of the workbook with the questions related to the story, “What Better Place?” (from the Hospice Whispers book). The workbook (Sharing Our Stories) DOES NOT include the actual stories, only the workbook questions, though I have included “What Better Place?” here to help you understand the questions excerpted here.

Please feel free to share this resource with whomever you believe may find it helpful. Together, we can help make certain those who are grieving are reassured that they are not crazy, are not irreparably broken, and that they are not alone.

Peace, Carla

Download What Better Place

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Tags : caregiver support, Death of a loved one, Grief Support, Grief Workbook, Hospice, Loss of a loved one, palliative care