31 Days of Walking with Grief: Others’ and Our Own
Day 5—When Time Stands Still
This is a month-long series to support persons grieving and those who love them. It includes content from “Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook” available through Amazon and wherever books are sold.
I so appreciate your comments and messages and sharing of your tender stories with me in response to this series. The need for support is tremendous, as the stunning nature and weight of grief and loss can immobilize us, leaving us looking for something, anything, to which we can cling.
A gasping and grasping desperation can characterize those early weeks and months when time seems to stand still. For us, it does. To move forward, away from this moment, even away from the pain, can feel like walking away from them, and we can’t bear the thought.
We can’t seem to find space for any thought outside of our grief.
We need this space, this stunned time of wrapping our heads and hearts around what is happening, as much as it bluntly sucks to experience. The wind has been knocked from us, and we need the time that it takes for our emotional airbags to slowly deflate, the adrenaline of the impact to subside, for our systems to begin to take in the enormity of the situation.
It would be impossible to experience it all at once; nor would we want to feel that much pain, though it’s hard to imagine any greater pain than we already feel. That stunned, surreal feeling is a natural protection of the mind to help us cope. Sometimes, we can’t stand the thought of leaving it and facing the reality we know is on the other side.
If it feels like breathing is too much effort, and you can barely remember to do so, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. There will come a time when you will hear more than the muffled static in your ears, when you’ll once again be able to see colors and notice smells and tastes, once again.
For now, give yourself space to just be with the swirl, if you can. Do not panic. It will pass. Be slow. Be gentle. Find people who can let you be how you are, where you are, as you are with no need to put on a false front to make them feel better about your discomfort.
You are not broken; you do not need to be fixed. Do not let anyone rush you. Of course, sometimes there is no room for grief to sideline us because the children must still be fed, the personal time off has run out, and the lights must be kept on. But, as much as possible, give yourself room to just be.
There are no shortcuts. As Tim Lawrence has written, “Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
When we try to rush through, run from, brush over, or numb out this portion of the pain, it can have a boomerang effect and only delay the inevitable. Let the swirl be. I promise you it will not consume you forever.
A friend once invited me to a movie when I was sitting with an all-consuming swell of grief. I admitted I wasn’t certain I could pull myself together enough to be good company. She replied, “If you don’t want to do so, I understand, but if you want to come and sit next to me in the theater and cry through the entire movie, I’m good with that.” Friends like that are invaluable.
Be that friend to yourself, and invite others to also give you that space. The world has dealt you a crappy blow, one that we can expect to happen, but for which we are never as prepared as we think we will be.
Until you hear the ticking of the clock and beating of your own heart once again, just breathe as well as you are able, and trust the wisdom inside of you to take care of the rest. It will unfold in time.
As you sit and wait in this liminal space, my peace surround you and hold you close.
Carla
Rev. Carla Cheatham, MA, MDiv, PhD, TRT has served hospices as a chaplain and bereavement coordinator. She’s the Section Leader for the Spiritual Caregivers Section of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization and an adjunct professor at the Seminary of the Southwest. Through her Carla Cheatham Consulting Group, Carla provides training and consulting for professional caregivers nationwide. She is the author of Hospice Whispers: Stories of Life and its companion volume, Sharing Our Stories: A Hospice Whispers Grief Support Workbook. Her next book, On Showing Up with Suffering: Others’ and Our Own, is set to publish in 2017.
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